| "fucked up fallen angel" |
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| 07:16pm 07/08/2006 |
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mood:  lazy music: COPS
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I woke up to this in my inbox & it made me smile
[from the talented ZO]
fallen angels are ones that got screwed and returnin the favor to the world.
the fallen angel who answers to no one
not envious of those above
takes to herself the shitty deal life dealt
but is the best one, for she knows wats life about
she bleeds,hurts,fucks and feels like us
she screams, yells, gets scared and cries
might go unnoticed til you get to know her
then her beauty over shadows any flaw you can find
maybe made for fame, for glory, or jus change peoples lives
you are made for all three
sad day when you have to return home
but so many have made a home for u in their heart
ur the beautiful fallen angel who hit the ground
lost soul who doesnt need to be found
does shit that makes good ones frown
but still is the greatest thing eva around
fallen angel that got screwed and returns the favor to the world
fallen angel that still lives life high
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| i don't have enough middle fingers |
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| 06:56pm 04/08/2006 |
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mood:  devious music: loud noises
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I've spent yet another day withering in this apartment.
mostly sitting on the stoop outside ranting & being hormonal.
giving all the indians dirty looks;
That, and checking the mailbox every hour.
Only to stare at an empty slot, every time i turn the key
Michigan postal workers are top-shelf retarded.
I haven't washed my hair in 7 days;
im such a greaseball, its beginning to dread itself.
psst. baby powder is the trick, a little FYI for all you grimey's out there.
I'm gussied up in a skimpy black, lace up corset
along with the same pair of pants i've been wearing for probably 2 weeks now.
well battered, with chipped nail polish& left over make-up.
I've had a square glued between my fingers all day,
and i like it that way.
I've been listening to manson & rammstein with cops muted on the tube;
randomly getting pissed and fighting with cabinets,
with only the scent of Nag Champa to calm me down.
I swear I'm bipolar amongst many other bad habits & pyschological disorders.
And I sit here, googling pictures of Hasidic Jews,
and wishing i was drunk & stoned & somewhere in London stomping some sick fuck's family jewels with my stiletto thigh-high heels for filthy lucre.
A perfect picture.
I can paint you pretty little fucking pictures all day.
I want to
RUN
DIE
or
GET FUCKED UP
And I think I'm going to check the mailbox again.
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| scapegoat |
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| 02:36pm 28/07/2006 |
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mood:  blah
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It's the caffeine, the nicotine, the miligrams of tar
It's my habitat, it needs to be clean, it's my car
It's the fast talk they use to abuse and feed my brain
It's the cat box it needs to be changed, it's the pain
It's women, it's the plight for power it's government
The way your giving knowledge slow and throwing in subtle hints
It's rubbing it, It's itching it, It's applying cream
It's the foreigners sight seeing with high beams, It's in my dreams
It's the monsters that I conjure, It's the marijuana
It's emberassment, displacement, It's where I wander
It's my genre, It's Madonna's videos
It's game shows,cheap liquor,blunts, and bumper stickers with rainbows
It's angels, demons, gods, it's the white devils
It's the monitors, the soundman, it's the fucking mic levels
It's gas fumes, fast food, Tommy Hil, the date rap pill (?)
Columbia House music club, designer drugs and rhyming thugs
It's bloods and crips, five and six,
It's stick up kids, It's christian conservative terrorists, it's porno
flicks
It's the east coast, no it's the west coast
It's public schools, it's asbestos
It's mentholated, It's techno
It's sleep, life, and death
It's speed, coke, and meth
It's hay fever, pain relievers, oral sex, and smokers breath
It stretches for as far as the eye can see
It's reality, fuck it , it's everything but me
On and on and on and on
The list goes on and on and on and on
It's in the air, in the water, it's in the meat
It's indirect, indiscrete, inconsistent, and incomplete
It's on the street, every city and everywhere you go
In every man it's the insanity, the fantasy, the casualties
It's the health care system, it's welfare victims
It's assault weapons, it's television religion, and it's false lessons
It's cops, pigs with badges guns and sticks
It's harassment and a complex you carry when you're running shit
It's wondering if you get to eat
It's the winter , the weather
It's herpes, and it's forever
It's the virus that takes the lives of the weak and the strong
It's the drama that keeps on between me and my seed's mom
It's that need to speek long, It's my hunger for attention
It's the wack , who attack songs of redemption
It's prevention, It's the first solution
It's loosing the retribution(?), it's mental pollution, and public
execution
It's the nails that keep my hands and feet to these boards
It's the part time job that governs what you can afford
It's the fear, It's the fake
It's clear it can make time stop and leave you stranded in the year of
the
snake
It's the dollar, yen, pound, it's all denomination
It's hourly wages for your professional observations
It's on your face and it's in your eyes
It's everything you be
But it ain't me mother fucker, it ain't me
On and on and on and on
the list goes on and on and on and on |
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| My hunger for my blue-collar heaven keeps me sedated |
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| 01:51pm 28/07/2006 |
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mood:  crazy music: overcast
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I've been spending way too much time in hospitals,
taking far too many pills
and drinking entirely too much alcohol.
Life in Mono,
this is week 2, living with sethfuck
shits wild.
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| 12:38am 17/07/2006 |
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mood:  indescribable music: P.O.S.
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She's got a couple down,
swigging beers & making love to her camel turkish royals,
the CD keeps skipping, but she pretends not to notice & keeps dancing;
& drinking & making love..until she loses herself.
She likes to dream, she's a dreamer.
she stares like a junkie as she watches the smoke trail off her cigarette.
dancing spirits disappear into the light.
& again she loses herself,
in the music; the melody trickling through her fingers,
racing up her arms & through all her veins,
flowing down to her stomache, her muscles clenching
pushing it around her thighs,
all the way down to each & every last toe..
& she thinks.
She thinks about love & she wonders what its like,
She thinks about making love & how badly she wants someone to fuck the pain away.
She thinks about the world & she feels it's sadness,
She, takes another swig, while running her fingers down her chest
She bites her bottom lip & thinks about roaming around drunk in the temple cemetary,
swirling around, blessing bodies with PBR & telling secrets to a tombstone. |
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| 08:52pm 16/07/2006 |
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mood: steamin music: songs of zarathustra
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GRRR.
I want to annihilate the fuck out of something.
beat down.
I'm --- this close to selling all my things, & taking off to Europe.
she's lost control...
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| AKJDSHDK |
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| 10:08pm 15/07/2006 |
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mood:  drained music: ministry
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My head feels like a spaceship,
I feel completely fucking numb.
I HATE the name "Angela",
I never want to hear it again.
Red roses, Pinot Grigio, WAY too much self-medicating..
I'm a zombie.
I've got lost in my mind somewhere.
I HATE losing trust.
As well, as these scenarios replaying in my head.
What you did was a sweet gesture,
I just can't seem to believe the things you say.
I want to HATE you so fucking bad.
I want to hate your guts.
but all it takes is to look in your eyes & it feels like everything is fine.
and that's what i HATE more than any of this.
You've let me down, Baby.
I love you,
but I just dont know if this is going to work
I've sold my cqr, I've packed my bags,
now all I need to figure out is where I'm going to. |
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| The nervous systems down |
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| 04:32pm 08/07/2006 |
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mood:  bored music: Grimfist
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Sometimes we walk like we're shot through our heads, my love. |
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| real entries. |
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| 08:53pm 01/07/2006 |
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Hello my dearest voyeur,
You'll find it easy to believe how much of a mess I am right now.
Typical fucking garble.
Seth's driving & I'm watching the fireworks emit lonliness;
as if some morbid fucking metaphor of where I am & where I want to be.
It's insane how fast things can go to shit.
& you never seem to notice until you look back on it.
Ahh, fuck. Someone come hold my string;
I don't even know the date anymore & I have 28hrs to pack up all my things into my white beast
&see where I end up.
I'll probably spend 14 of those hours sleeping & drinking myself into a stupor.
I'm in a bout of depression as you can tell.
It's a long humid ride back in the rain,
I miss you already |
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| 03:45pm 30/06/2006 |
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mood:  angry
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It's fucking goddamn Friday the 30th.
I've been wanting it to be Friday all week
& now that it's here I want nothing more than for it to be over.
My brain feels like pudding, I'm burnt out from all the vodka.
Ahh, I've been galavanting with Jordy the last couple days,
drinking, roaming & getting into a mess of trouble.
Every problem seemed to slip away;
it was a nice thought at least,
but comming back to this ratty dilapidated old house is a disasterous wake-up call. |
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| 02:17pm 27/06/2006 |
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mood:  calm music: murder by death
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Went over to Jordy's last night after spending the entire day alone,
playing Super Mario & waiting for the plumber who never came.
I passed by a burning barn & drove for miles on gravel road before I got to his house.
He took his mom's xanax,
so I had to have a heart-to-heart bullshit talk with her to calm her down.
It worked & now she couldn't love & trust me more, haha.
I ended up driving my car into a ditch, while backing out of the driveway
the gramps came to rescue & I made my way to Lincoln to see Sethfuck.
We drank some cheap vodka & ended up passing out to Adult Swim.
Woke up late spending the day rotting & being completely content.
It was a nice feeling ; ]
<3
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| WAHWAHWAH! |
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| 01:29pm 26/06/2006 |
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mood:  bitchy music: cat stevens
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I loathe Mondays.
The plumbing is still all fucked;
I have a full bladder & haven't showered in 4 days.
I'm sick & tired & have no place to go.
Clint & Sarah are moving out tomorrow..
So I'm stuck here in this shithole disguised as a house, that I'm not even suppose to be living in.
Travis called this morning, it was refreshing to wake up to his voice,
but I get the feeling that's the last I'll hear from him today.
It took me ages to fall asleep last night-
I was up, enlightening myself until the wee hours of the night
then wallowed around a bit until I eventually drifted off into the dreamlands.
Yesterday, As I was finishing up laundry, folding all the ungodly, disgusting towels-
the Mexican looked at me & said "You need to not be so quiet, that's not allowed around here",
then he looked at my arm & with a concerned smile, said "You must have alot of cats".
Fucking cats.
The black man's jones'n again & traded me a stolen wallet for a cigarette.
ha ha. |
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| Backdated. a REAL entry. |
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| 02:34pm 25/06/2006 |
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It's 3 O'clock; I'm at the laundry mat waiting for my clothes to finish drying.
Sarah's talking to a drunken Mexican, while I sit here anti-social & eat my Nacho Doritos.
He's wearing a plain white T-shirt a few sizes too small with a big beer belly ,also equiped with worn out blue jeans ripped at both of the knees, he's got a long curly ponytail & a huge grin on his face with red chubby cheeks that resemble santa claus. Picture this guy, stumbling around the laundry mat spilling his budweiser select all over his clothes, roaring with laughter thats so loud it shakes the ground.
I have a feeling I should start packing soon & try to find a new place to live
I wish we could have had some footage of our 2 months in the Nebraska Ave Flea Motel Palace.
I was thinking about that as we were dragging the shit absorbed towels out to the car,
leaving a trail of filth behind us, laughing cynically and thinking "this is my life".
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| 12:24pm 25/06/2006 |
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mood: blah music: sage francis
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So I'm laying here in my filthy rat motel bed,
covered in bites & self-inflicted scars
listening to sage & wishing I had some booze.
Rent is due in 6 days.
My car insurance in 14.
Our basement & bathroom are completely flooded.
rant rant;
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| akjsgdkgj |
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| 11:42pm 24/06/2006 |
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Everytime I put you down,
I soil the earth & pick you right back up again.
I tried to dry my eyes & paint on my face.
I poured another & tried to forget my troubles;
But I looked in the mirror & saw those,
sad Fucking eyes
And I thought about what I want to do with my life;
then I pictured myself,
thin & pale,
malnutritioned,
with chipped finger nail polish & thick scars,
being sad & lonely,
yet still living; still getting by.
stuck in that horrid "9-5" routine.
Working some shit job, like Mcdonalds
selling grease-smothered food to obese AMERICANS,
trying to make small talk while in complete and uter disgust,
watching them at the happiest part of their day,
consuming their Big Mac & large fry, washing it all down with a thick & frothy Milkshake
& then i thought,
Fuck the World.
All i want is to be a Mother. |
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| 01:35pm 24/06/2006 |
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Just suck it up, Baby
& paint on that pretty smile.
Pour yourself another
& let all your troubles slip away,
Everythings going to be ALL Right.
Dry your eyes. |
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| All dried up & tied up forever |
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| 01:30pm 24/06/2006 |
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mood: broken music: Crystal Skulls
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I really can NOT handle this shit, anymore.
I can't even talk to him-
He says its the lack of nicotine,
Fuck.
All I can think about is how things were when I first met him,
that's what keeps me hanging on.
I wish I could steal him back into that time.
If I don't do something soon, or something doesn't change,
I"m going to be drinking myself to death every night,
with mangled arms,
wondering what the hell happened.
Self-medicating-
Just hand me a bottle & something sharp;
so I can drink myself comatose while the blood seeps down my flesh.
grrAWWRR |
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| 02:54am 19/06/2006 |
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I had quite the random Sunday-
redeeming cans illegally in Iowa,
arriving late to a family gathering, which was actually pretty decent;
lots of food, funny tan lines & a near death experience with a 4-wheeler.
From there I met up with Jade& Evan over at Steve's dorm.
beer. beer .liquor. drunken fools stumbling around the Old Market,
all equiped with sunglasses after dark.
Some random crazy beaner smoked us out at the 420 bench.
back the Steve's- more people, more drinking.
All I remember is.
flocks of lovely gay boys grabbing at my boobs,
trying to be sneaky and hide brews in random cabinets,
& getting a ride when I already had my car with me.
powdered up my nose & annihilated myself with Mikedog.
We walked in around 3in the AM all jacked, booze in hand
to catch the pops alone on the couch watching naughty films.
hahaa.
motherfucking
Niles Markley
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| 12:35am 17/06/2006 |
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mood:  dirty music: les savy fav
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Hello M'dear.
It's been too fucking long. I can't even begin to gather the shit thats gone down that past few months.
Everything from beauty school dropout, to living on the streets, another horrid car wreck, being fired from Sally's,
to moving to the ghetto of North OmaHA.
I'm the crazy cat lady,
Downright fucking cynical.
paranoid android-
drinking away the voices & images of the parallel.
A hopeless romantic
So I sit here, drinking the last of my cheap scum beer.
rotting- a waste on the ratty old couch in North O,
surrounded by a race of felines;
As I try to recap all that I haven't recorded in the series of my life,
before it becomes just another forgotten memory. |
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isitandwonder's journal
hopeful
